This will be a pretty vulnerable post, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately, so I feel like I need to share it.
My daughter….my first born, was born 8 days after I turned 20. When I was 20, I was very emotionally immature, I was dealing with my own mental health struggles, I was struggling financially, I was not close to anyone in my family at the time, and I was in an unhealthy relationship. I still wanted her more than anything and was determined to be the best mom that I could be to her. I didn’t want my issues to be her issues. I didn’t want her to know that I struggled as much as I did. I wanted her to have a happy, normal childhood.
Here’s the thing, when you surround yourself with people who are extremely toxic, that toxicity will make its way to your innocent child. At the time, I thought the people that I did have in my life were better than not having anyone so I made the best of it for as long as I could. I often failed at making the best of it. My innocent, perfect, little girl grew up seeing and hearing and knowing things that she never should have. I wish I could blame it all on everyone else, but I know that I played a role in it as well. I made many poor decisions, but I would say the biggest one was not believing that I could do better for myself and my children and just accepted the life that I had for so many years. So many things happened that never would’ve happened if I had walked away from it sooner. Even when I did finally have the courage to walk away, I kept going back.
She is 20 years old now and has had some pretty significant struggles in the last several years (really since she was about 12 years old) and I can’t help but feel guilty. I wonder how different things would be for her if I had made better choices when she was younger. A friend recently sent me an old picture that she had of my daughter and me from about 20 years ago. She was about 4 months old, and I was 20 years old. At first, I looked at it and smiled because it’s been a long time since I’ve looked at her baby pictures. But the more that I looked at it, I became sad. Like I was punched in the gut. Her bright, beautiful smile made me sad. Isn’t that crazy? It reminded me that she was once so happy, and innocent, and my life was in her hands, and I just ended up making things harder for her than they needed to be.
I had a talk with her that night. I told her that I was sorry that I wasn’t the mom that she deserved for so many years and she assured me that I was and that she wouldn’t want anyone else to be her mom. I’m happy she feels that way, but it doesn’t take away the guilt.
She remembers things that her 16-year-old brother does not remember. She was more deeply affected by the unhealthy household that she grew up in. Thankfully, my 16-year-old seems to be unphased by anything he might remember but I think it has more to do with the fact that I became independent and started making better choices for me and my children even if the choices were scary. I grew up and started to learn how to manage my own feelings and not let the kids see when I was falling apart. I finally learned how to not let toxic people that I was tied to affect my life. Because when they affect my life, they affect my kids’ lives, and I wasn’t having that anymore.
I’m thankful that I can make sure things are so much better for my youngest baby. It still tears me up to think about how my older 2 had to grow up and how the baby is getting the best version of me. It doesn’t seem fair. I’ve told both of my older children that they see me doing things differently with the baby because I’m trying to always do better and it’s not because I love him more than I love them. They seem to understand and don’t hold any resentment towards the baby or me and for that, I’m thankful.
All of these feelings came as a complete surprise to me. I wasn’t expecting all of this to come up when I had another baby. I wasn’t expecting to feel guilty for being a better mom now than I was 20 years ago. I wasn’t expecting to see a picture of my baby girl and be sad because I feel like I failed her. Why is motherhood filled with constant guilt? Probably because it’s the biggest responsibility anyone could ever have. Our children’s lives are literally in our hands. Every decision we make affects them. Moms are human too, so we are going to make mistakes and the intense love that we have for our babies makes us feel absolutely terrible for those mistakes. I have always told my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them, but I don’t think I ever really took that advice for myself until now. I could beat myself up about the mistakes that I’ve made but I know that I learned from them, and I’ve changed and owned up to those mistakes. I’ve apologized for those mistakes. I do better. Thankfully, the one thing I know my kids have never wondered about, is how much I love them. They have never doubted that. They know I will always be here for them. No matter how ugly life may get at times. We will get through it.
My daughter is doing so much better. She definitely still has her struggles, but she is so strong and is working every day to overcome those struggles. She’s working full time, in school, saving money, pitching in at home and is working on her mental and physical health. She is starting to take pride in herself and her life and seeing that helps heal my momma heart. People think they know her and judge her based on her actions and behaviors from when she was a teenager. If they haven’t taken the time to get to know her as a young adult then they don’t know her at all because she is an amazing and beautiful human being, and I am beyond proud of her.
(all of this was shared with her permission)