This is a mom blog and I tend to write about my experiences as a mom. This one is about my own mom. We have had a turbulent relationship most of my adult life. She was a very different person many years ago (weren’t we all)? However, I had such a hard time letting go of the past and it continued to ruin any present relationship I attempted to have with her. So, it was many years of having her in my life and not having her in my life and back and forth and back and forth. It hurt us both repeatedly (as much as I would tell myself each time that I didn’t care that she wasn’t in my life….I did).
If you read my post titled “Our Journey to Stinky Minks”, you know that I had a near death experience when I had my youngest son in 2023. Being on the brink of death really does change you. It’s hard to explain how it changes you, but one of the biggest ways it changed me was my ability to let go of anger and stop holding grudges. This doesn’t mean I can suddenly let people treat me however they want and I’m ok with it. It also doesn’t mean that everything can just be forgotten, and you get a clean slate. It does mean that I can let go of anger and get to know the person as they are now if they are willing to put in as much effort as I am.
My mom was willing to do that. I didn’t know this at first. At first, I had very little expectations. I was civil but remained guarded. It has now been a year and a half and at some point, over this past year and a half, I let myself get to know the person that she is now instead of only seeing her for who she was years ago. Every time I tried to have a relationship with her in the past, it never stood a chance because I would wait for her to say or do one wrong thing and I would use that as an excuse to say, “you’ll never change” and cut her out of my life again, reassuring myself that it was for the best. Being able to stop holding onto all of that anger allowed for me to see who she is now. And who she is now is a pretty amazing person.
I never in my life thought that I would ever say that my mom is one of my closest friends. We have a mutual respect for each other, we understand one another, we understand our differences, and we try to be there for each other the way the other person needs…. not the way we would need if it were the other way around. There are people who refuse to accept that she could possibly be different than she was decades ago. How can you expect a healthy relationship with someone if you aren’t also putting in the effort to heal? You can’t just let the other person do all of the work to “prove themselves” while you sit there and judge and just wait for them to screw up.
I now have the mom I always wanted. The mom I deserve. The grandma that my kids deserve. It’s a shame others are missing out on this best version of her because they would rather hold onto anger.
I guess I’m writing this because today, my mom held her dad’s hand while he died. She took care of him the past several weeks and didn’t leave his side for the past two weeks while he was on hospice. They had a rough relationship for many years as well but the silver lining in his short battle with cancer was that they ended up having some of their best moments together. When you know you are close to death, suddenly all of those grudges seem ridiculous. All of that time you spent angry seems like a huge waste of time. I’m here to tell you, in the end, NONE OF THAT MATTERS! He is her dad, and he was dying, and she was the only one there for him day and night. I did my best to be there for her (from 2 hours away) day and night. That’s what family does. When I passed along the news to other family members about his passing and how hard this was on her, only one of the three people I reached out to actually responded to me and not one of them reached out to her. Her own family couldn’t bother to reach out to her and say “I’m sorry your dad died. I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time.” This response (or lack thereof) did not surprise me because I know these people are holding on to anger and grudges but how is it acceptable to not reach out to your own family member and say that you are sorry that their father died?
Anyway, this is starting to turn into a bit of a rant more than anything but hey, when you have your own blog there aren’t too many rules as to what you can write about. My mom did an incredible thing taking care of her father the way that she did, and she handled even the most frustrating situations with grace. I am proud of my mom for the person she is today, and I am lucky to have her in my life.